A little reminder

Before I begin, I understand I am not in a position to drag about great hardships in life. But there was a time when I did have suicidal thoughts, standing on the edge of life. Perhaps I have had it too easy all my life that I simply could not cope when sudden difficulty raised. One day towards the end of my high school, "the love of my life" left my side. I felt so alone like I have missed the train and no one understood.

I cried myself to sleep and went to class the next morning. My eyes were puffy. Everyone stared, but no one dared to speak to me that morning. I wagged class to catch a tram to a place where I could be alone yet amongst a crowd. I tried to study, but nothing went through, there were only tears in my eyes. I caught the tram back to school, I felt like in the middle of nowhere that my life has stopped and I did not have the strength to fight any more. My eyes blurred again as the stranger who sat opposite of me on the tram gave me the same look as my class mates did earlier that morning. I knew she wanted to help; I did not want her to help. She seemed to know that she could not help. It was that moment, life reduced down to – to be or not to be?

For the first time in my life, I realised how much resources have gone into me. Regardless that they are my parents, they raised me with hope and love. Regardless that I have paid for food, society has created a system that allowed me to access food. Regardless that air is a common good, if I was to die all the air that I have ever consumed would have gone to waste while it could have been much better utilised for rest the world. In that single moment of truth, I reflected on how selfish I have been. So what if I missed my train? So what if I could not have what I want in life? Why have I made the assumption that I was the only one who mattered in the world? How selfish could I possibly be – wanting to die just because life did not go my way? After all the resources that I have taken for granted, the least I could do is contribute a little into the world.

It was then I held myself back from going to the extreme. My problems stopped being problems. I vowed to help others.

Since then time have went on, four years have passed. Like every other history, same mistakes are made again and again. Here I am, upset over what?