Second thoughts

It’s definitely a heart breaking experience looking at jobs in property management. Although I have not left my current real estate position yet, it triggers a heart string reminding me of everything I have worked up to and everything I am letting go of.

Yes, it is a pain being called on my day off and in middle of the night. However, I believe the most rewarding part of the job is building up that rapport. I will miss going out of my way to exceed expectations. Even the late nights I stayed back at the office, there was always a reason why I stayed – will I ever find job that gives me that drive? Sometimes you can’t have it all; you either have the stress along with the drive or have the calmness without the drive. We can pick and choose; weight and contemplate. My old colleague used to say to me, the grass is always greener on the other side.

Ooh, I’m going to miss:

• all the weird conversations I have with my prospective tenants on the way to property viewings
• negotiating rents between landlords and prospective tenants
• securing tenancies and hearing that gratitude from the landlord
• getting mad at tenants who annoyed me
• sounding happy and cheerful when I am not
• last minute surprises that changes everything (because only then I feel like I am doing work, whereas everything else is a duty to complete)

Awww… I’m going to miss all the stress so much.

Is this the path I have chosen? To let it all go?

A sales agent once told me. ‘Love comes, love goes. People bid at auctions with everything they can possibly give for a property that they believe will never show up again. They lose, they swallow. A few weeks later, they fall in love all over again bidding everything they have to offer on another property.’

Will I fall in love again?

Is real estate for me? Sometimes it’s like there is no room to breathe due to all the stress, as if I am being suffocated underneath all the piles of work. I just want to be reminded there is larger world out there beyond the properties I see every day. Am I the only one in real estate with that problem, or do other people don’t mind that?

Almost the end

Since the beginning of this employment, I wanted to know what this job has to offer me in the long run. Endlessly I asked myself, how have I changed and what have I learnt. More and more I began to come in terms with what I need to change and what I need to learn.

From sympathising with anyone working in real estate to admiring anyone in real estate with great respect, I dare not say I was came a long way in the past three months.

·         Learning that there are 24hrs in a day, every morning I overcame the fear of catching up with what I have missed out during my sleep. It’s almost as if I came from a culture with no concept of time (apart from expecting the bus to run on time) to a world full of deadlines. It is a city that never sleeps.

·         I learnt to make things happen and not to accept failure. Yes, it is a weighing game. The question to always ask is: would I rather explain to the landlord why it failure or even if it was to failure, make the most out of it. Sometimes, it really turns into a jungle – a survival of the fittest.

One thing I have known for a while is: nothing stays the same, everything changes in time. Perhaps we can’t change the past; everything we do will inevitably change our perception of the past. 

Me:        Do you regret hiring me?

F:    Jen, I want you to believe in my words 100%. I do not regret hiring you, and if I ever made you feel that way, I am really sorry. I would never want you or any of my staffs to feel like that. I do not like to waste time, if I had the slightest regret in hiring you, I would have let you go ages ago. But I have kept you because I can see potentials in you.

Do I believe her? It’s real estate for god sake! With all stereotypes aside, I honestly don’t know. My own question still brings tears to my eyes. Sometimes I feel like I am in the Matrix, and can’t tell if the table in front of me is real or not. I want to fall asleep, because it’s simply easier that way.

The moment that changed my whole perception about her was:

F:    Do not worry about me, I will always be okay. I always manage. I have been through a time all my staffs left me, all at the same time – I still managed. I can manage even if it was just me. I am worried about you. What will you do next?

Gone yet?

He messaged me again after a month or over. When is it going to be too late? When is it going to be over?  When do I stop responding?

Have I finally met someone who is even slower than me? Sometimes I get so irritated with myself that I feel the rest of the world has already moved on. Why has this person messaged me after I have already accepted that it's over? Why?! Is this how logical minds work?

The longer I live the more it becomes evident that whatever I can do, someone can do better. Whatever I cannot do, someone else can do worse.  No need to compete in either directions, I will never win.

Some people I just do not understand.

I miss him.

Lend me a hand, show me the way

F, can I speak to you?

We sit down in the meeting room.

I have been thinking about this position and whether or not I see myself as a property manager. I don’t want you to feel cheated on in anyway, because I did want to be a property manager. And I am happy to take the position of a property manager during your maternity. But in the long run, I don’t know if this is what I am looking for.

In the past two months, I feel like I haven’t done anything else apart from work. I guess I would like to have a job where I can go out after work if I want to, not just on my day off. I do appreciate the experiences I have gained from this job. But at this stage of my life, money just does not have that type of incentive on me.

…

~             ~             ~

That is how I would have liked it to have worked out. Cut to the chase – no fear, no pretence.

What happened was: I arrived at the office. She was busy. We said a brief ‘hi’ before I was pulled aside by my colleague about whatever issue that is not-causing-any-death-in-the-world-at-the-moment. I sat down at my desk, thinking about what I am going to say. She walked over and handed me a pile of work. I asked if I could take next Wednesday off. Agreed, one task done on my list, she was out of the office.

It is like being in the middle of an ocean and trying to find the right direction. No signs, no hints, just intuition to tell me quitting is the right way to go.

Next week, they will be rolling out my campaign. Is it too late?

The longer I stay, the harder it will be.

She said, “I just want to spend time with my kids; they are growing before my eyes!” 

Um, me too. I am my own child, I am growing up before my own eyes too.

The desire to fly

Sometimes I believe if I fly away to a land far, far, away, everything will be okay.

To start life from scratch, build new networks, adjust to culture, and learn about the world.

Perhaps only in the earnest of survival, we see the world for what it is and we find what it is we are living for.

~              ~              ~

The truth is I am just looking for an easy way out – a simple path to change.

Make it happen

They say education is a lifelong process. Every time I begin a new job, I like to ask myself ‘What have I learnt?’ and ‘How have I changed?’ As I am beginning to feel settled recently, I asked myself exactly that.

In this job, I learnt to make things happen. In the past, I have only ever been taught to request for jobs to be done. Whenever the job was not done, it never mattered much to me as long as I have done my part. I accept whatever the reason was, because I accepted obstacles and failures to be part of life. In property management, I find myself following up with certain people and pushing for actions to happen on daily bases. When plan A fails, I seek for plan B, and C, and D… etc. Persistence is the key to real estate. If I gave up every time there is an obstacle, nothing will ever be done. If a sales person gave up at every obstacle, no properties will ever be sold.

It is only the end if we accept it to be the end.

Limit

I do not believe in eternity. No, I am just not that kind of girl.

I believe there is a limit in everything we do. There is only so much we can take, to tolerate, to accept from the world. Water heats to a certain extent to let go of its form and turn into steam. Water cools down to a certain extent to turn into ice. When you push circumstances to an extreme, you just cannot expect something to unconditionally stay in form forever. That is the lie of literacy ideology – everything is defined by meanings that are fixed in stone.

There are times in my life where I wait for that limit to show itself. I wonder if I keep going like this every day, will I develop extraordinary time management skills or will I quit? Or am I just being a whinge as this is nowhere close the limit?

It's a right to be free

Sometimes I get upset – heartbreakingly upset. I wonder what I am living for, what I do it all for?

I brush my teeth. I watch myself in the mirror. I wonder what products can cease my skin from aging. There are times during the day that I feel agonising pain along my back. I adjust the chair; I move around, nothing helps. I can’t scream out loud – because it is a slow agonising pain.

When I am alone, I visualise the week ahead as shown below.

Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
Work 8:45AM - 6:00PM	Work 8:45AM - 6:00PM	Work 8:45AM - 6:00PM Prepare Tutoring Material 8:00PM-9:30PM	Work 8:45AM - 6:00PM Volunteer Tutoring 7:00PM – 9:00PM	Lunch date with Rebecca 11:00PM – 12:30 Work 1:00PM - 6:00PM	Work 9:30AM - 2:00PM Catch up with Miles 3:00PM ->	Domestic household duties 9:00 – 10:30 Work 12:00PM - 4:00PM

The question is: why would the week after be any different? Why would weeks after that leads to the end of the year be any different?

There are people I really want to see. I feel selfish to ask them to go out of their way to see me for just an hour. So I schedule people to call after work. The truth is I don’t want to distant myself from my friends. It upsets me if they do not pick up. Though, it’s not like I tell the people about my schedule that will be a bit ridiculous.

This is the part I cannot explain. Why do I choose to live like this? Surely with all the alternatives, I could have chosen a different career path. Why this? Is it because I am already here and this is path of less resistance? Or do I secretly want this life? Do I want to test myself?

It is like freedom is a privilege the rest of the world is entitled to, but it should be a right.

To have, but not to own

She told me that my dog died. A bit stunned, but I am okay.

Somewhere along the lines I have been through this before. I almost simultaneously heard ‘nothing lasts forever’, because that is what I have swallowed as a fact a few years ago. That is also what I told myself when V fell out of my life, when I gave up on the dream of becoming a fashion designer, and when I saw my first wrinkle.

Today is my first day on a new job. It ought to go one day too. Everything ought to go. If there is one thing my last job taught me, it is: if there is no contract, how do you know? But even if there is a contract, how can that guarantee?

Everything changes in time.

Just because it was there, we feel like we own it. But we don’t.

Music: Life for Rent - Dido

Kai Kai

The simple complexities in life

Like the many other people on Earth, I want to know that I am being loved and that someone out there cares. In my observation, I find that the older people get, the easier it is to be with someone. The reason being the more time that passes us by, more opportunities we get to experience loneliness [a slow burning sensation that eats up your soul]. Social studies tell us that people prefer to be in company as oppose to alone in the long run. However when he told me that I was a negative person, I wanted to let go. I choose not to integrate with people who make me feel judged and self-conscious about myself. (As if I did not have enough problems of my own without that type of subjective judgement.)

And this is how I let go: I ask myself “Am I going to die without him?” Consequentially, the answer is ‘No’. Should be easy right?

Then after a few days, I find myself coming face-to-face with loneliness. I wonder why I made the decision I made – what loss would it have been, even if he is not the one? Haven’t I always wished that everyone lived in their own spaceship, and could enter or let go of intimate partners whenever they want? (Yes, that will always be a fantasy of my.) Why am I restricting myself?

On one hand, am I going to die if I don’t speak to him? On the other hand, what loss is it if I do speak to him again? It seems that with the first argument, I am never going to get anywhere in life as for most things we do we can do without. Where is the advancement, if that is the approach I keep having in life? While the latter argument seems to be much more open to opportunities, in which case is a much healthier approach to life. (But then refer to Para 1)

My arguments keep going round and round in circles. On minute speaking to him is an act of weakness, the next not speaking to him is an act of weakness. (Sign… I don’t blame him, but my head gets too dynamic for its good for sometimes.) Honestly, I do not believe I am depressive. Whatever outcome I reach, I don't care anymore!