What I learnt about marriage

 There are many assumptions we make about the world or take for granted until we realise otherwise. Growing up, I engaged in dinner conversations, eavesdropped or just openly listened-in and sometimes participated in numerous casual conversations and similar communication models throughout the days. These conversations varied in all forms, commentary, transactional, open-ended, unfiltered, biased, unbiased … etc. Never did I once classify parents’ marriage to be of the gold standard or was inspired enough to want it for myself.

 

For me, that was what a marriage was. To be with someone you trust enough to critique their thought processes, to be with someone you respect enough to brain storm ideas that may or may not go anywhere, to be with someone who admires you enough to be eager to be hear your perspectives, to be with someone who shares your humour and fascination of the mundane events in a day. Of course, there were disagreements. To make up for it, there were compromises and growth. Overall, it has been the greatest marriage that I ever had the privilege to witness. Little was I made aware that I would forever be comparing my own “marriage” to this by default.

 

I have heard of Ester Perel, I do not expect my partner to fulfil the role of an entire village. That would be unreasonable and impossible for any one person. But I have seen my parents’ marriage and know for a fact that it is possible and attainable without feeling like work. Have I been exposed to the gold standard and setup for failure? Or should this be my relationship goal? Would it not be great if I could role model this to my offspring, so they do not settle for less? Or do I want this standard - definition of marriage - to be forever lost with me?

 

As I reflect on how I got here, I realised that much of the focus in our world has been focused on searching for the right partner - qualities and characteristics that resembles a checklist. Nothing wrong with a checklist, if it was thoroughly thought through. But how do you know what you don’t know? At what point do you assume humans differs from each other? The very idea of a checklist for a partner centers around the Partner, yet the end goal is a way of life. A wiser way of approaching the problem would be to focus on the relationship. To think about: what kind of relationship I want? What do I hope to get out of the relationship?

 

The idea of speed dating, again, focuses on the person. Maybe times have changed, relationships are no longer as transactional as they used to be. If the aim of a contemporary relationship is happiness, the focus should be on organic interactions.