It's a right to be free

Sometimes I get upset – heartbreakingly upset. I wonder what I am living for, what I do it all for?

I brush my teeth. I watch myself in the mirror. I wonder what products can cease my skin from aging. There are times during the day that I feel agonising pain along my back. I adjust the chair; I move around, nothing helps. I can’t scream out loud – because it is a slow agonising pain.

When I am alone, I visualise the week ahead as shown below.

Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
Work 8:45AM - 6:00PM	Work 8:45AM - 6:00PM	Work 8:45AM - 6:00PM Prepare Tutoring Material 8:00PM-9:30PM	Work 8:45AM - 6:00PM Volunteer Tutoring 7:00PM – 9:00PM	Lunch date with Rebecca 11:00PM – 12:30 Work 1:00PM - 6:00PM	Work 9:30AM - 2:00PM Catch up with Miles 3:00PM ->	Domestic household duties 9:00 – 10:30 Work 12:00PM - 4:00PM

The question is: why would the week after be any different? Why would weeks after that leads to the end of the year be any different?

There are people I really want to see. I feel selfish to ask them to go out of their way to see me for just an hour. So I schedule people to call after work. The truth is I don’t want to distant myself from my friends. It upsets me if they do not pick up. Though, it’s not like I tell the people about my schedule that will be a bit ridiculous.

This is the part I cannot explain. Why do I choose to live like this? Surely with all the alternatives, I could have chosen a different career path. Why this? Is it because I am already here and this is path of less resistance? Or do I secretly want this life? Do I want to test myself?

It is like freedom is a privilege the rest of the world is entitled to, but it should be a right.