Like the many other people on Earth, I want to know that I am being loved and that someone out there cares. In my observation, I find that the older people get, the easier it is to be with someone. The reason being the more time that passes us by, more opportunities we get to experience loneliness [a slow burning sensation that eats up your soul]. Social studies tell us that people prefer to be in company as oppose to alone in the long run. However when he told me that I was a negative person, I wanted to let go. I choose not to integrate with people who make me feel judged and self-conscious about myself. (As if I did not have enough problems of my own without that type of subjective judgement.)
And this is how I let go: I ask myself “Am I going to die without him?” Consequentially, the answer is ‘No’. Should be easy right?
Then after a few days, I find myself coming face-to-face with loneliness. I wonder why I made the decision I made – what loss would it have been, even if he is not the one? Haven’t I always wished that everyone lived in their own spaceship, and could enter or let go of intimate partners whenever they want? (Yes, that will always be a fantasy of my.) Why am I restricting myself?
Am I going to die if I don’t speak to him? But what loss is it if I do speak to him again?
It seems that with this former argument, I am never going to get anywhere in life as for most things we do because we can do without it all. Where is the advancement, if that is the approach I keep having in life? While the latter argument seems to be much more open to opportunities, in which case is a much healthier approach to life.
My arguments keep going round and round in circles. On minute speaking to him is an act of weakness, the next not speaking to him is an act of weakness. (Sign… I don’t blame him, but my head gets too dynamic for its good for sometimes.) Honestly, I do not believe I am depressive. Whatever outcome I reach, I don't care anymore!
2 comments:
In my experience, when faced with two choices, both being somewhat undesirable, I've found that what works is holding off on making the decision for some time i.e. not thinking about it for a while.
Then, after some time passes, either of the following happens:
- Circumstances change such that one option become very clearly more desirable than the other, making it into an easy decision
- A secret third choice emerges that rises above the previous two known options.
Thanks. That is true, we never know what life holds. sometimes something happens in the last min and changes everything.
though, holding off does not exist in choices. e.g a choice between procrastinating or not.
However, most of the time I find that i can only choose on the last min.
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