Lord, how I hoped to see him, and lord, did I not look for him? I thought I wanted to see him, I thought I would have liked to see him. I did not see him. But he was there, when I saw him it was too late.
On one level, it almost seems that reality is buried too deep under conventional grounds. I wanted him because I believed so. The conclusion was drawn from the fact that I could be in love. More than anything else, I wanted to be in love as oppose to living in isolation – alienation. To hold on… to life, hold onto chance and possibilities as I hopped off my last stepping stone. I held on. Because I feared I’ll never love again; because he seemed like a nice person who cared for the well-being of others; because I felt safe trusting him. Even now, I don’t know where if there really was love I held onto. For all I can say is “we sustain”. Only if… if only.
This ill comfort was made sense that we are fated not. In the time to come, by chance we are so close in centimetres, millimetres or even nanometres, chances are we will have so smoothly gone our separate ways. Spiritually wise, when our minds are together, our souls will forever stand apart.
He pains me not, yet he disappoints me in every way.
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