New friends

Last week, I was on the phone to a friend and I found myself saying “When you get to a certain age, you just don’t want to open up anymore.” Before you judge, let me put this into context.

It was a conversation of about making new friends in life. Yes, we can all be nice and make friends. But are they really friends, if all you do is be nice around each other? If you genuinely want to make friends – not just find someone to spend lunch with at work, then you will need to open up and give something of yourself. That’s what youth is, children they are constantly open to the world – oh so much trust! Then somewhere along the way they learn to withdraw.

It is not that I am incapable of making new friends. People these days (not everyone, not just me either) we make the effort, we “open up”, then we hold back… on the rest. What I mean is even when we do open up; we still don’t open up. Playing a role, like an actor before camera lenses, we hide behind the façade.

Every now and then, we find ourselves in a position where we must open up. So we give a little not a lot to test the water till we feel safe.

Sometimes it just takes so much courage to simply live.

Something about a new year

People often like to think of a new year as a new beginning - a fresh start. Just like spring, where the birds would sing and the ecological cycle restores life in itself. Embraced in a new-found optimism (and in a non-suicidal way), another chance is given to life. The world has shown mercy in the brutal cold of winter, giving warmth and hope to humanity.

Yet, it leaves us wondering: What has led us to all this craving of a new beginning? Was there something so terrible in our life that we must escape? E.g. An apocalypse that we have dedicated all our technologies to forget, but traces still remain in our subconscious?

Did something really bothered you in 2012?

Merry Christmas~

Is it cliché of me to start an entry with “The older I get…”? It seems that the older I get, the more often my reflection comes down to “The older I get, the more I come to realise XYZ”. So here we go for today…

The older I get, the more important it is for me to spend days such as Christmas, New Year, Easter… etc. with people I love. Maybe I have reached an age where I come to realise that there is really not much else to life, there is really not much else to a year, and there is really not much else in the world. Nothing material lasts, not that anything intangible lasts either. These days nothing of anything lasts forever. We live in this open-ended space-in-time where nothing is for certain. The only thing that makes life worth living is those moments we live. They are moments of happiness, anger, fear, gratitude… etc. – they are an end on its own. Being a Buddhist I value the happy and the sad, because they make life what it is.

Humans, we are not self-creation. We sustain in a social setting with complex interactions that are beyond systematic theories of ‘cause and effect’, because we are intelligent enough to seek for that kind of luxury.

This Christmas I just want to say:

Treat your loved ones well

Appreciate every moment you have together

Enjoy and be safe

Have a merry Christmas =) 

 

Scar

There is an age-old-sort-of-pain living in my closet. Every now and then, certain moments of the present stimulates that particular past that it literally aches. I can feel the weight. I wonder if it is visible to anyone else.  

~             ~             ~

“I don’t want a child like this,” that’s what he once said to me. Although I knew at the time that he did not mean it, it did not make him anymore of a responsible father than if he did mean it. It hurts to know he cared more about having the last line than how I would feel. It broke my heart to learn there is nothing set in stone in the world – no one is unconditional.

~             ~             ~

He knew that I knew he did not mean it. He did not have to be so honest about his attitude.

I would never say that regardless. Perhaps that is how I came to value deception as much as the truth. Whether it is truth or lie, whichever one is the best for the person is right. A beautiful lie could just as well be someone's saviour.  It takes strength to hold back as oppose to spill the beans and let someone else to deal with it.

Time after time, I relate any insecurity I may have about myself or the world to that very moment.

Is it “stingy” to hold onto the moment till now? Would I have turned out differently – less reserved maybe – if he had been more of a “man” and held it back? Or is it just the perfect excuse to blame any issues I may have on?

Temper

I am not a believer of what goes around, what comes around. But I do know when I have crossed the line. Today my grandma decided to wash my clothes without my approval, after endlessly being told not to touch my clothes. In consequence, I believe I have chewed the air out of her as I steamed off at full velocity the instant I found out. Perhaps for her age and mind-set, it was too much for her to take. My five minutes of lecture/vent has resulted to three hours of her rumble. From a resources’ perspective, it costed my parents two hours in their attempt to sort her out – time that otherwise could have been better spent. As for my grandma, I had no idea that it would cost this much time which could have been better lived.

Would I have held myself back if I knew? Sometimes one just needs to know there are rights in the world. Is it so wrong if I wish to exercise my right to be angry, once in a while? Plus, what justice in social evolution would it be if all responses are non-offensive yet perfectly structured in a robotic format?  

Though often when I do push the limits too far, there is a fear that something horrible will happen to me. So I know what I own to the world, because it is unfair. She did not intend to make me mad, but simply wanting to feel useful. I fully understand why she is upset; I would be just as upset if my manager spoke to me like that. I think every time that guilt kicks in, it is a sign that I have gone too far.

It is not a case where I should look for a balance. Sometimes it can only be one or the other.

Mass produced citizens

Maybe, I had it all wrong. The freedom of expression and individuality that they taught us at schools were to be heard but not to be seen. A full time working life was never meant to be anything more than going in and out of work. Maybe it is part of the social structure that the middle class and lower class are not meant to have time for individual thoughts and personal space away from the economical drive.

It was winter 2011, when I graduated from my bachelor degree. Little idea I had about which direction I wish to pursue my career, I was greatly relieved to say goodbye to assignment deadlines and sleepless nights of reading miniature fonts (in other words, environmentally friendly print outs). A few weeks after I completed my last examination, I landed with my first full time job at a call centre with the state government. It was a laid back and cheerful work environment, 9 to 5, give or take 5minutes on either ends.

After about half a year, I moved into real estate. With close to no life experience, I learnt to juggle time and manage relationships. At the time, it was the worst job I have ever had. The hours were long, the pay was uncompetitive, I gave 100%. Now that I look back, it was the best job I could have had at the time. It exposed me to the world, giving me the opportunity to build life skills that I would not grasped in such a short time otherwise. Most of all, it taught me to have persistence and appreciated what others do for me.

I typed up my resignation letter after less than half a year, because I felt exploited due to the hours, the pay, and lack of recognition for my work. My boss and I sat down at a café close by and I burst into tears in public. She told me that she was grateful to have me on board and offered me the chance to stay (as a Receptionist, as a Sales Consultant) or return in 6 months time as an Asset Manager. I decided to go; because I believe the possibility of being successful in whatever I do will always exist. Whether I chose to stay or leave, the possibility of being un/happy will always exist. Sometimes it is simply a matter of choice and attitude. I laid down my cards on having a change.

Here I am, back to government in a different position, is it all that different? I still worry about having work the next day, when I go out after work. Deadlines, criticisms, personal sacrifices… all still exist. Pay is slightly; however work is no longer as exciting. I guess we win some; we lose some (in my previous boss’s words).

I think at each stage of our lives, there is only so much we are meant to have.

Second thoughts

It’s definitely a heart breaking experience looking at jobs in property management. Although I have not left my current real estate position yet, it triggers a heart string reminding me of everything I have worked up to and everything I am letting go of.

Yes, it is a pain being called on my day off and in middle of the night. However, I believe the most rewarding part of the job is building up that rapport. I will miss going out of my way to exceed expectations. Even the late nights I stayed back at the office, there was always a reason why I stayed – will I ever find job that gives me that drive? Sometimes you can’t have it all; you either have the stress along with the drive or have the calmness without the drive. We can pick and choose; weight and contemplate. My old colleague used to say to me, the grass is always greener on the other side.

I’m going to miss:

• all the weird conversations I have with my prospective tenants on the way to property viewings
• negotiating rents between landlords and prospective tenants
• securing tenancies and hearing that gratitude from the landlord
• getting mad at tenants who annoyed me
• sounding happy and cheerful when I am not
• last minute surprises that changes everything (because only then I feel like I am doing work, whereas everything else is a duty to complete)

Awww… I’m going to miss all the stress so much.

Is this the path I have chosen? To let it all go?

A sales agent once told me. ‘Love comes, love goes. People bid at auctions with everything they can possibly give for a property that they believe will never show up again. They lose, they swallow. A few weeks later, they fall in love all over again bidding everything they have to offer on another property.’

Will I fall in love again?

Is real estate for me? Sometimes it’s like there is no room to breathe due to all the stress, as if I am being suffocated underneath all the piles of work. I just want to be reminded there is larger world out there beyond the properties I see every day. Am I the only one in real estate with that problem, or do other people don’t mind that?

Gone yet?

He messaged me again after a month or over. When is it going to be too late? When is it going to be over?  When do I stop responding?

Have I finally met someone who is even slower than me? Sometimes I get so irritated with myself that I feel the rest of the world has already moved on. Why has this person messaged me after I have already accepted that it's over? Why?! Is this how logical minds work?

The longer I live the more it becomes evident that whatever I can do, someone can do better. Whatever I cannot do, someone else can do worse.  No need to compete in either directions, I will never win.

Some people I just do not understand.

I miss him.

The desire to fly

Sometimes I believe if I fly away to a land far, far, away, everything will be okay.

To start life from scratch, build new networks, adjust to culture, and learn about the world.

Perhaps only in the earnest of survival, we see the world for what it is and we find what it is we are living for.

~              ~              ~

The truth is I am just looking for an easy way out – a simple path to change.

Make it happen

They say education is a lifelong process. Every time I begin a new job, I like to ask myself ‘What have I learnt?’ and ‘How have I changed?’ As I am beginning to feel settled recently, I asked myself exactly that.

In this job, I learnt to make things happen. In the past, I have only ever been taught to request for jobs to be done. Whenever the job was not done, it never mattered much to me as long as I have done my part. I accept whatever the reason was, because I accepted obstacles and failures to be part of life. In property management, I find myself following up with certain people and pushing for actions to happen on daily bases. When plan A fails, I seek for plan B, and C, and D… etc. Persistence is the key to real estate. If I gave up every time there is an obstacle, nothing will ever be done. If a sales person gave up at every obstacle, no properties will ever be sold.

It is only the end if we accept it to be the end.