The fight that every patient go through

It was never clear to me why cancer patients are fighters and courageous survivors. . After all, it is beyond anyone’s hands. Is it not all up to fate?

Christmas Eve 2013, my grandma had her forth stroke. The next day, doctor pulled my parents aside and advised if there is no improvement in the next 24-48hrs, they will give up all medications – no drips, no anti-biotic, all her usual medications will be cut off. Then, what we feared happened. My grandma’s only defence was her own immune system, and the little food she is willing to eat. There she lied fulfilling the criteria to palliative care.

They said she is in pain and there is no quality to her life. The best thing for her will be to prioritise her immediate happiness, and cut off anything that is aimed at prolonging her life.

As much as I wanted to believe she is the exception to what doctors say and that she will recover before our eyes, it does not help when she actively refuses to eat. I am witnessing her energy level ceasing by the day. Does she know? Has she given up? Has she lost the patience? Has she lost the tolerance? Does she care anymore?

Suddenly the fight becomes clear to me. We can choose to fight or let go. It takes strength to have faith in your fate, to stand up to disbelief, and to be selfless before the ones you love.

If she has given up, I do not blame her. If she has lost patience, I understand her. If she is here to serve her immediate happiness, I respect her decision.

Changes

It was a week day evening last week; a friend asked me if my grandma’s situation has changed me at all. I usually love questions like that. Like a camera lens, one of my greatest joys in life is pulling events in and out of focus. Being able to analyse a situation from a personal perspective, then take a step back to observe the larger picture from a sociological standpoint, and then back to a subjective approach. (Yep, back and forth, just like that.) For a moment, I hesitated to answer her. For no other reason than I did not have an original response to launch into an exciting discussion.

“You never know what will happen in life,” I replied matter-of-factly in my monotonous tone. Somehow the conversation trailed off into how my dog died, relationships, friendships, work... and recently MICM’s purchase of Waterhouse rent roll, and our previous boss.

They were all changes beyond any one stakeholder’s control. Changes do not always happen for the better or for worse. Apples are to be compared to apples, not oranges. Changes just simply are, because nothing stays the same for forever.

She seemed surprised by my rather ‘cynical’ view. It was that point, I realised it is an interesting conversation we were having after all. It was for the first time in my life, I realised that what I took for granted as common sense is actually not a general knowledge. Perhaps a bit too controversial to be considered as general knowledge (just imagine what would happen to all those social values carried in a marriage certificate, families, commitment... etc.).

In my defence, I do not believe my view is cynical in any way. As a living being, change is inevitable. Way too often, change falls outside of our comfort zone. Instead of a negative view of change, people need to embrace change, learn to deal with change better. Changes may destroy our ideals, but they can be improvised to improve the present. If not, should tolerance and acceptance be part of our character to handle certain aspects of life.

New friends

Last week, I was on the phone to a friend and I found myself saying “When you get to a certain age, you just don’t want to open up anymore.” Before you judge, let me put this into context.

It was a conversation of about making new friends in life. Yes, we can all be nice and make friends. But are they really friends, if all you do is be nice around each other? If you genuinely want to make friends – not just find someone to spend lunch with at work, then you will need to open up and give something of yourself. That’s what youth is, children they are constantly open to the world – oh so much trust! Then somewhere along the way they learn to withdraw.

It is not that I am incapable of making new friends. People these days (not everyone, not just me either) we make the effort, we “open up”, then we hold back… on the rest. What I mean is even when we do open up; we still don’t open up. Playing a role, like an actor before camera lenses, we hide behind the façade.

Every now and then, we find ourselves in a position where we must open up. So we give a little not a lot to test the water till we feel safe.

Sometimes it just takes so much courage to simply live.

Something about a new year

People often like to think of a new year as a new beginning - a fresh start. Just like spring, where the birds would sing and the ecological cycle restores life in itself. Embraced in a new-found optimism (and in a non-suicidal way), another chance is given to life. The world has shown mercy in the brutal cold of winter, giving warmth and hope to humanity.

Yet, it leaves us wondering: What has led us to all this craving of a new beginning? Was there something so terrible in our life that we must escape? E.g. An apocalypse that we have dedicated all our technologies to forget, but traces still remain in our subconscious?

Did something really bothered you in 2012?

Gone yet?

He messaged me again after a month or over. When is it going to be too late? When is it going to be over?  When do I stop responding?

Have I finally met someone who is even slower than me? Sometimes I get so irritated with myself that I feel the rest of the world has already moved on. Why has this person messaged me after I have already accepted that it's over? Why?! Is this how logical minds work?

The longer I live the more it becomes evident that whatever I can do, someone can do better. Whatever I cannot do, someone else can do worse.  No need to compete in either directions, I will never win.

Some people I just do not understand.

I miss him.

The simple complexities in life

Like the many other people on Earth, I want to know that I am being loved and that someone out there cares. In my observation, I find that the older people get, the easier it is to be with someone. The reason being the more time that passes us by, more opportunities we get to experience loneliness [a slow burning sensation that eats up your soul]. Social studies tell us that people prefer to be in company as oppose to alone in the long run. However when he told me that I was a negative person, I wanted to let go. I choose not to integrate with people who make me feel judged and self-conscious about myself. (As if I did not have enough problems of my own without that type of subjective judgement.)

And this is how I let go: I ask myself “Am I going to die without him?” Consequentially, the answer is ‘No’. Should be easy right?

Then after a few days, I find myself coming face-to-face with loneliness. I wonder why I made the decision I made – what loss would it have been, even if he is not the one? Haven’t I always wished that everyone lived in their own spaceship, and could enter or let go of intimate partners whenever they want? (Yes, that will always be a fantasy of my.) Why am I restricting myself?

Am I going to die if I don’t speak to him? But what loss is it if I do speak to him again?

It seems that with this former argument, I am never going to get anywhere in life as for most things we do because we can do without it all. Where is the advancement, if that is the approach I keep having in life? While the latter argument seems to be much more open to opportunities, in which case is a much healthier approach to life.

My arguments keep going round and round in circles. On minute speaking to him is an act of weakness, the next not speaking to him is an act of weakness. (Sign… I don’t blame him, but my head gets too dynamic for its good for sometimes.) Honestly, I do not believe I am depressive. Whatever outcome I reach, I don't care anymore!

Hope

Searching… for that one. It is like swimming in an ocean looking for the one fish that is just right. ‘Can I find him?’ The girl in the story asks. ‘Does he exist?’ The girl outside the story asks.

I can only hope he does exist. Even though no one knows whether it is going to last, one must believe the other person exists. Whatever there is to fight for, I hope it is worth it in the end.

Damn, the wounds have cut in so deep. Damn, the pain that has signed off with his name.

Damn the stranger who made me smile.

This I know, feelings are not going to last. Buddhism wisdom teaches that “reality is a process”. No “thing” exists, because everything that arises passes away. So let me embrace this moment now.

I am taking a chance out on life. I am hoping it will be worth it.

I hope... he is worth my time.

Worth the pain

So, girl meets boy, they fall in love and lived happily ever after.
How cliché?
What's more is that all good must come to an end. Part II of the myth is that guy leaves girl, she gets hurt and he moves on.
Is it not convenient Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella all got their happy endings? Where does it leave Part II? Does it still get told, or rather indirectly instead?

Some people only hear the Part Two.
Here is the problem. Part Two doesn’t work without Part One. The girl needs to fall in love first in order to be heart broken; Part Two prevents the girl from doing that which is why it never gets told. It is a spoiler for both stories.
But reality is: sometimes girl does meet boy, they do fall in love, and they do live happily ever after. So where is the problem? The ones who have heard Part Two do not get this chance. They have given up hope to the risk of pain. They have given up happiness for a pain-free guaranteed life. Is it worth it?

Is happiness worth the pain? No pain, no gain? Or is it, no pain, no pain?

Let us imagine this very scenario for a second: She lived her life in the shadows of Part Two. She is in awe by these who are able to believe. But she is haunted by her fears at every point where she turns. So she waits for love to find her. Maybe… One day… she will overcome her insecurities.
Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the story of my life.

Maybe doubts will always be there. Perhaps it is not about making them disappear, but embracing them. Accepting them as part of who we are, as we make decisions into the near future.

Humane expectations

Augustine said “Lord, make me pure, but not yet.” All I want to say is ‘Lord, please don’t judge me.’

I met up with Cal for lunch today as result of his suggestion to “catch up”.

You don’t need to be a writer to construct a sentence that marks its place in history. The only ingredient is the content.
Today is the day he told me about how he felt at the time; the relationship we had; what ultimately changed his mind. It couldn’t have worked I wasn’t good enough for him (no, he didn't say this); it will not work with the past behind us. Everything we did, everything he said is an experience I will always hold onto.

He showed me light. He has given me the permit to believe. It was the way I treated him that led me to believe that everyone else was no different. It was the belief 'I was just another human on the planet'. Yet, he took the step to tell me I was wrong. I was the girlfriend I never knew about.
At stages of heart break, I often ask ‘How does it work?’ How was it done? I guess I own myself the answer. Morality is the world to me. I thought it was the fluid running through me. Why wasn’t I up to my standards?
I will not do to others what I do not want done to me, this I promise here and now.

Future and past

Searching… not knowing, yet searching. In this world we find our own objectives. Your parents are not there to guide you through; they are the biological reason for your existence. The rest is not yet determined but will invincibly move into the past. The ones who have a grasp of their future are instantly in grasp of their past. You can’t touch what you once could not grasp; you can’t eat a cake that you did not bite.

Overwhelmed by the possible consequences, the past over-shadows the future. How many of us have tried to let go? How many of us have succeeded? How many of us still remain in our insecurities? Even when there is no winning, it’s a battle we must fight. Hope – keeps us going. Just as well, hope leads to disappointment. To believe the sun will rise before we set, to swallow in everything you do not understand hoping eventually they will come to sense, we hold on with our eyes shut.