Since when MacDonalds' are allowed to open on Christmas?

It was Christmas Day. Generally, I spend the day at home with family, eat and entertain visitors. There would be nothing else to do because everywhere would be closed. However, this year a few friends and I have organised a barbeque lunch in the park. Knowing supermarket will be closed on Christmas, I made sure I went to the supermarket the day before – double checked and triple checked that I had everything I needed for the barbeque. For all I knew, only hospitals will open, and assuming anything else will be open would be a gamble.

As I have never really paid attention to which shops remained shop, I took particular awareness on the morning of Christmas Day. A tick next to petrol station, good to know I will not need to worry about petrol running low on Christmas in the future. I stared for a moment and thought if people can stock up on groceries, why can they not stock up on fuel? Can they not fill up their vehicle tanks to the full? But then, what if people were crossing considerable distance to be with their family on this day? Mentally, I approved for petrol stations to open on Christmas Day as I can see how it can be an essential service.

During our barbeque in the park, at the corner of my eye, I noticed someone holding onto a McDonald’s paper bag and McDonald’s drink. My jaws dropped. Wow. Since when in the space of history did a McDonald’s meal became a line of essential service?! That moment, I felt like McDonald’s has grown beyond just another fast food outlet. The yellow MacDonald’s ‘M’ on red background is so heavily embedded in Western culture that it has become a religion of its own. It is as if all this time, MacDonald’s had discretely built a world of its own without anyone noticing.

There I was on Christmas morning, eager to verify with the state on what I believed to be the essential services in modern day living. By lunch, I have handed over my enthusiasm to our capitalist society.

Changes

It was a week day evening last week; a friend asked me if my grandma’s situation has changed me at all. I usually love questions like that. Like a camera lens, one of my greatest joys in life is pulling events in and out of focus. Being able to analyse a situation from a personal perspective, then take a step back to observe the larger picture from a sociological standpoint, and then back to a subjective approach. (Yep, back and forth, just like that.) For a moment, I hesitated to answer her. For no other reason than I did not have an original response to launch into an exciting discussion.

“You never know what will happen in life,” I replied matter-of-factly in my monotonous tone. Somehow the conversation trailed off into how my dog died, relationships, friendships, work... and recently MICM’s purchase of Waterhouse rent roll, and our previous boss.

They were all changes beyond any one stakeholder’s control. Changes do not always happen for the better or for worse. Apples are to be compared to apples, not oranges. Changes just simply are, because nothing stays the same for forever.

She seemed surprised by my rather ‘cynical’ view. It was that point, I realised it is an interesting conversation we were having after all. It was for the first time in my life, I realised that what I took for granted as common sense is actually not a general knowledge. Perhaps a bit too controversial to be considered as general knowledge (just imagine what would happen to all those social values carried in a marriage certificate, families, commitment... etc.).

In my defence, I do not believe my view is cynical in any way. As a living being, change is inevitable. Way too often, change falls outside of our comfort zone. Instead of a negative view of change, people need to embrace change, learn to deal with change better. Changes may destroy our ideals, but they can be improvised to improve the present. If not, should tolerance and acceptance be part of our character to handle certain aspects of life.

Scar

There is an age-old-sort-of-pain living in my closet. Every now and then, certain moments of the present stimulates that particular past that it literally aches. I can feel the weight. I wonder if it is visible to anyone else.  

~             ~             ~

“I don’t want a child like this,” that’s what he once said to me. Although I knew at the time that he did not mean it, it did not make him anymore of a responsible father than if he did mean it. It hurts to know he cared more about having the last line than how I would feel. It broke my heart to learn there is nothing set in stone in the world – no one is unconditional.

~             ~             ~

He knew that I knew he did not mean it. He did not have to be so honest about his attitude.

I would never say that regardless. Perhaps that is how I came to value deception as much as the truth. Whether it is truth or lie, whichever one is the best for the person is right. A beautiful lie could just as well be someone's saviour.  It takes strength to hold back as oppose to spill the beans and let someone else to deal with it.

Time after time, I relate any insecurity I may have about myself or the world to that very moment.

Is it “stingy” to hold onto the moment till now? Would I have turned out differently – less reserved maybe – if he had been more of a “man” and held it back? Or is it just the perfect excuse to blame any issues I may have on?

To have, but not to own

She told me that my dog died. A bit stunned, but I am okay.

Somewhere along the lines I have been through this before. I almost simultaneously heard ‘nothing lasts forever’, because that is what I have swallowed as a fact a few years ago. That is also what I told myself when V fell out of my life

Today is my first day on a new job. It ought to go one day too. Everything ought to go. If there is one thing my last job taught me, it is: if there is no contract, how do you know? But even if there is a contract, how can that guarantee?

Everything changes in time.

Just because it was there, we feel like we own it. But we don’t.

Music: Life for Rent - Dido

Kai Kai

Make life happy

In the last few days I have found myself developing almost an obsession over ‘Depression’. It began with a BBC article on why some people just do not get depressed even when they lose it all, while others have it all but suffocate inside depression. It led me to listen to a BBC radio program about depression and natural selection. Like a thirst, I yearned for more. I took it to the next step; I logged into my university academic journal database.

What seemed to have stood out to me is that although depression is natural mental state or condition, it is conveniently viewed upon negatively as a “disease”. I understand it may not be a desired mental state, but at which point shonld we as a society interfere with this natural development? Or do we trust nature all the way? One point that has been made about depression is that it is a necessary trait of survival. It is known to force the mind to reflect on what had happened, why it had happened, and ultimately keeping the mind alert. These of us who are sensitive enough may easily be set off and carried away by day-to-day affairs. What makes it a problem is when one is clicked into a depressive cycle of thoughts.

Happy people are more ‘resilient’ to those so called negativities. They have no problems in shoving matters into a vacuum without further thoughts. Due to an experiment, happy people remember smiling faces and positive events for a longer period of time as to sad faces and negative events. Thus, happiness is all about the capacity to erase. [cf. Greek philosopher Epicurus defined happiness as the absence of pain.]

It is not what happens, it is how you deal with it.

Change in time

The very first time my family moved house, I believed my new home was going to take my parents into their retirement. Little did I know, and little control did I have over the circumstances. Three years later, we moved. We have moved to a larger house with an extra room for studies, plus all the shopping and public transport convenience. I was convinced that was it, we were settled at last. Two years later, the same scenario rose again. My parents planned for retirement, and took an even larger double story house. They have decided to rent two of the rooms and avoid government pension. Perhaps it is finally the last time we would move as a family and perhaps for the first time, I had evidence to believe my parents were here to stay.

A few month ago, my parents had purchased another property nearby and made plans to move into the property. Was I naïve to have foolish expectations of permanence each and every time we moved? Like love, with each new relationship we hope and believe that is our last. It is the only way to maintain the presence and give our maximum. Maybe this is what motivates us to push our potentials and develop in new areas, to believe a 100% and give 100%.

A few months ago, all I wanted was a job. It seemed like the hardest milestone I will ever cross in life. What would I have not given for an employment social status and income security? After landing with my current role, my new challenge became how do I do my job well? I grew so much respect for others in my trainee group that I wonder what I have done to deserve this position. Did I over sale myself?

That is the power of the present. The immediate challenges of our lives forever undermine future challenges or past accomplishments in our lifespan. In our naivety, we tend to expect the present circumstances to remain stationary and unchanging. Thus, many of us have actively made plans into the future assessing on our current wishes and criteria.

Marriage commitment takes the words “I do” to conclude to “I will”. I cannot begin to assess the fallacy of this argument. The fact that he trusts her now is not an automatic lead to he will trust her in the future. The reality of our world is that everything changes in time, not necessary for better or for worse, yet simply different in form.

You are so small, you live in a box.

Some people, they are just so small. They live in a box, where they feel safe and secure. Constantly reassuring themselves by bringing others down, because before anything else they must protect themselves from the harm. It kills them to see others succeed; it kills them to know they cannot compete. For that matter, they manipulate reality in a way that is suitable for their consumption.

They are just so small. They live in a box. They like to tell people how to think, it is just that they fall short in creditability. Never missing an opportunity to brag about their accomplishments and I believe every word. But I will never respect you for anything you did, because you morally disgust me like an unstoppable bacterial growth. You are lower than low, you are the under-caste that brings shame to our race.

[Contact delete]

Life as an institution

Sometimes, you just want to die. Well, not literarily. But, sometimes, the world just spins on without you.

“People, we strive for freedom! We yea-rrr-n towards it! Does anyone feel like that? As you get older, do you think you are becoming more and more liberated?” Our philosophy lecturer paced up and down the classroom, with passion, of course.

The girl who sat next to me nodded eagerly.

Erm, I don’t know what you are on, honey… but I certainly do not feel that way.

These days, the word society is inevitably tied in with constraints. The older we get, the more we learn about our society, and the more constrained we are by social expectations. ‘Why don’t you get a job?’ ‘Why aren’t you married?’ ‘Do you plan to have kids?’ Sound familiar? At every stage of your life, there is that constant voice telling you what needs to be done, where you should be. At every circumstance, there are a standard of ideal that you are being judged by.

It is in this process of getting older, society convicts you with responsibilities and expectations. Where is that bit of freedom that is supposedly my?

Better off to detach

In life we often get attached to things that we are better off not. We are like atoms; we join and make links so easily. It is almost as if we cannot help ourselves. We do it so subconsciously without realising it, until there is an empty space. It is like a scale where the pleasure on one end slowly merges into a pain.

Buddhism teaches its followers about the Four Nobel Truth. The First Noble Truth is 1) suffering. The idea is largely associated with the pain of loss such as illness, loss of loved ones, bodily deterioration (i.e. ageing), and death. They are the inevitable losses as human beings we are objected to. We may try our best to cure diseases, maintain our youth, and preserve the ones we have lost in memories or memorial artefacts. But in the end, we must accept the truth rather than running away from the change, because they are part and parcel in the cycle of life.

The Second Noble Truth is 2) desire. From a Buddhist’s point of view, the problems of the world began from desire. People seek to food, possessions, power, and sex due to desire, encouraging us to behave in desire-driven ways. In other words, because of desire, we become slaves for desire. Thus, we need to eliminate our desires, reach 3) ‘nirvana’.

‘Nirvana’ is a state of mind, a spiritual being. By eliminating desires, the Third Noble Truth eliminates suffering. ‘Nirvana’ is an enlightenment that awakens one from greed, hatred, and delusions to “see life as it is”.

The Fourth Noble Truth advices on the 4) Noble eightfold Path – right view, right thought, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, right concentration. They are the steps to ‘nirvana’.

From the first three Noble Truths, we can see the obvious problems with attachments. It induces sufferings by superficially securing ourselves with stability. For Buddhists, everything changes, nothing stays the same. Therefore do not expect instead greet changes with openness. As a major fundamental base of eastern philosophy, everything feeds into a greater whole. From this perspective, I find it easier to let go, because individual ownership does not exist.

When I lost my wallet recently for the first time in my life, there was little for me to react to. I know it is out there somewhere, maybe one day it will come back to me or maybe it will not. Life will always go on, and dramas will always continue. Even if I’m not spending my time on replacing ATM, Medicare, Healthcare, and Membership cards, I will still spending that time somewhere – somewhere I do not know. But I do know that once it is past tense, there will not be much difference. I do not feel much attached to my wallet, although I ways have it with me when I am out.

On the other hand, I feel like screaming my lungs out when I found out mum cut off the tag of a garment that I asked her to do needle works on. Maybe to someone extend it is about the tag, but more so it is the fact she used her own logic. She would have wanted the size tag cut off if it was her garment; meanwhile for me not only do I not feel an itch and I feel the garment is incomplete without the tag. Though what really gets to me is she made that decision by all herself. She went ahead and decided what was best for me. Panic and anger rose at my throat when I saw the cut tag. She had no right! It took so much self-control to swallow it back in again.

Sometimes we get attached to items, other times we get attached to ideas. Western culture values independence and privacy. As a result, people are more individualised and less connected. We like to make our own decisions. When someone does make decisions for us, we feel oppression to be a certain way and we judge them for being bossy or controlling. In eastern culture it is perfectly acceptable that my mum made this decision for me.

It is funny how an idea can bite into our minds to take on our worldview. Ideas are similar to items. They bring suffering when it is not fulfilled or not and they caused by desire for righteous.

Self actualising

It has been a long day. Here I am once again typing away. One assumption readers can make about my writings is that they are written alone. Another assumption is that they are written in private. They are conceived from a personal space from within, while gathered from the experiences from the external world. It is simply another form of mediation.

In the past, I have made numerous attempts to answer why I have chosen to consume in this act from time to time. The conclusions I have came to were merely to produce and confirm history, because writing gave the past a solid form. It reassures me that my experiences were real, and helps me to make sense of the world. But at the same time, it abstracts the incessancy of life experience into chapters and – just like Fox News – it sensationalises the experience into a story. Bits were lost and bits were assumed to make the linkages. What is on the surface of the page is merely the problem, but more importantly a reconstruction of the truth has been reinforced to the memory.

Where now, does it leave our true human instincts? Where now, does it leave our native intuitions? To what accuracy do they stand? Feels like the western media have been eating us alive down to our inner cores. Nevertheless, everything has two sides. On one hand convention is distinguished from nature. On the hand, convention is a part of nature as nature results it, absorbs it, and rectifies it.

I now ask myself once again: what is it that is keeping me here?

Scientist explains with chemicals. In intense states of emotions such as child birth, near death, deep meditation, prays, extreme sports and passionate sex, the pineal gland from the brain releases what is called DMT. It seems to only appear when we truly let go of ourselves to the activity. The raw nature of the scenario gives us a sort of closeness to life.

I guess the activities that bring us to the state are not limited to the activities described above. Music lovers bare their soul to the creation of music, while painters let go of all else in the creation of their art. For me, I find my most raw moments in writing.

Expectations and greed

iIn life we often find ourselves with expectations. They are not necessarily a bad thing, sometimes they are just a sign telling us we have lived long enough to make the link between means to an end. But sometimes these expectations go beyond what we expect of ourselves. We begin to gather expectations from the environment around us. Now, that is dangerous, my friend.

For someone who we sincerely open up our souls to, we expect them to be there in our worst of times. Or at least to care about our problems. When the world doesn’t give a shit, we hope that they can understand.

These expectations grow upon us like a virus. In times, I wonder to myself: Is it because we are so desperately reaching out, or is it because they have gone over broad feeding us signs that they care?

Perhaps it is wishful thinking in the ‘back of our heads’, that we want them to care, we hope that they care. As a result we dreamt it up that they do care. But reality never made it.

Or could it be greed? Are we asking for too much?

I have learnt to let go. I have learnt to have less of these ‘attachments’. I tried to give without having to take. I took the lessons from ‘Brave New World’; I made up my own world, its key principle being: To give endlessly without expecting for return. I tried pushing myself to the very edge from the centre of the universe. Did it work? Was greed ever filtered out from me? It is almost as if I have locked myself up underneath what is the so-called human flesh. With every drop of warmth I felt from the humanity, their generosity overwhelmed me and I hoped to connect with those I think I can trust. Do you see what has happened? I ended up with even more concentrated 'attachments' and greater expectations.

It's like a dream, we play by the rules because we think it is fun

It’s like a dream; we play by the rules because we think it is fun. But all of sudden, this dream gets too real. The branches from our worst nightmare pokes through the forth wall, actions (that followed by consequences) have never been so real. The colours of joy and sunshine have simply dried out, the battle is on. Darwin was right, life struggles for existence. For some of us, this struggle gets too long and tiring. And if we call it quits, we wonder ‘where this road will take us from here?’

What is it in the world do we actually own? According to Marxism, the ideas and values of the society are imposed through the means of production by the dominant class.

Are we confidant enough to say we own the means of our own happiness?

Alone time

It seems that the more time you spent with people, the more you lose your sense of self peace state of mind. Standing in solitude on fresh grass or going out of one’s way in the dark just to be alone has gradually lost its incentive in the increasing significance of social networking and growing number of population. That escape that was once so yearningly fought for has now been replaced by a tendency to reach out.

Why is this? Are we really no more beyond the norm we belong to? Is the existence of an individual that insignificant that even s/he needs to recognise him/herself in terms of a norm? What is this, ‘Nineteen Eighty-Four’?

Does this entry sound like a rebellious consequence of pushing the world away from one’s self? Where is the admiration for independence there once were?

Public service

No, it is not vice versa. But I do think as a whole it does operate in a cycle.

There are people in the world we deeply care about and there are people in the world who care deeply about us. These two companies may be overlapping for some, while kept separate for others.

The ones who we trust and open our souls to are not always the ones who speak us their minds. But that is okay, because the ones who share with us their moments of excitements and moments of despair are not always the ones we feel the most comfortable around. But that is okay too, because it all evens out in the end – as long as there is someone there for us. As long as we think we can mutualise with this person, it is enough. In return, we will perform this same form of service to the society for someone else out there.

Accelerated morality

It has been five days since my return from the China trip. If I had to use one word to describe China, it will be: population. Everything about China is somehow to some extent linked to its population, including its collectivism culture, corrupted political system and bureaucracy. Have I ever seen as many people as I have the ShangHai Expo in my life? I doubt it. The possibility of a queue to an exhibition lasts for more than nine hours has opened up to me for the first time in my life.

Greater population equals competition. Greater population equals the acceleration of moral exposure. Given time, given the extreme, people are pushed to reveal their raw identity as they sacrifice their pious way of life. The truth is no one is better than anyone, only few atypical individuals. Similar to Darwinism, given circumstance we lose our moral conventions in the same way we struggle for existence out of our most hopeless senses.

Some friends

I feel distant with her. Till this day, she’d still say we’re best friends. I guess we have different expectations in best friends just as we have different values in life. Like any relationship, once trust has been broken, it doesn‘t just heal.

We both knew I wasn’t her best friend in the world. There was always something there, she cared for more or held onto tighter. Even though it is not that. It is almost like, it was just a ride. The trust was lost the moment I saw her choosing her own happiness before my. At times, I really wonder does she care at all. Does she care enough to give a bit more thought? Does she care enough to ignore her own discomfort? Does she care to give up a bit of patience? Each one of these questions thickens my layer of shame. It seems she only cared when she has time to spare.

That Ex Pt2: Somebody slap me, please

He held my hand and kissed my forehead. I will forever hate him for it. There was a time I really did believe guys never give unless there is something to take. On the 14th of April, 2009, he took me out to explain to me why we split up and how he felt. I thought he felt bad and wanted to assure that I was okay. It was more than enough to gain my respect. He gave me hope in humanity. He was the light that made everything okay again, because after what's-his-face I hadn’t been okay.

Now, I can’t help but mock at this misjudgement. Wasn’t that a bit naïve? Wasn’t that a bit self-absorbed to think he did it out of his own good will just for me? If he was this great, wouldn’t I have known? He never was. He never could be. The final straw is blown - no more contacts other than accidents from now on.

He has taken away the one thing that I have treasured from him, in just half a day.
An ethical male is such an oxymoron.

That Ex Pt1: He is so transcended

I saw an ex. It was Thursday night, when I was financially reluctant to go to Little Lamb for hot pot with my roommates but did anyway. Half way through, a familiar face catches my eye from across the room. There he was sitting amongst his friends (mostly guys), laughing at something. So I went over and said “hi”. Was that out of maturity?

When it comes to Cal, it barely ever comes down to maturity. At times it just feels like I never really liked him that way in the first place. He deserved so much better, yet I owned him the lie. He has given me so much. There was a time when every guy in the world just seemed like a piece of shit, fucked up in their heads with no moral consciousness. He broke that barrier. It was humane of him to go out of his own way. It was humane of him, because this you need to be a human to understand.

If we were given another chance, can I love him? Was the chemistry ever there? For me, he transcends beyond most guys in world. I am glad I got to know him, and vice versa I’m glad I played a part in his life.

But what is he not? Why won’t he do? As I think about it, it kind of came down to the fact that he is not masculine enough. Even when I was with him, I never felt I was protected. I never felt I could lean on him. Or that he could take responsibility for me. I never felt together. Did he? Was I ever a good enough actor to be perceived as his girl? I doubt it.

Yesterday he texted me saying that he is free most of this week to catch a movie or something. Lord, I’d loved to be friends with him forever, he is so transcended. But we can only communicate on polite terms, no more beyond. Can we last? We do not share a common ground, there is nothing holding us together apart from the past. The past is so consistent, is it enough to pull us into the future?

It is the bond that keeps us there

The thing about a pack of stray dogs, a gang of thefts, or a flock of birds is that they all travel in groups. Whether or not there is a leader, they share a bond. It is that social norm that gives us a sense of belonging in whatever we do. We feel righteous through conforming. There is an order and responsibility that we put forward, yet we feel less responsible in a sense. It is something about the greater whole that draws us to a neutral ground. It feels comfortable.

In life if you don’t find your pack or seek out to one, you always let go at the mercy of an event, because you never committed. There always was a double standard. People forgive themselves way too easily. People give up on rational goals for emotional deeds way too easily. Some things we just can’t do for ourselves alone.

Basketball

She is blunt. She is frank. She knows what needs to be done and lives with an aim. There is something about her that is easy-going, open and direct. She is the sort of girl who will stick faithfully by your side, yet needs to be reminded on when exactly is your birthday. Loose-fitting jacket, loose-fitting pants, and a pair of comfortable runners, she will choose basketball over shopping on any day of the calendar.

Could it be the basketball?

Yesterday, I have come to test it out for myself since Ellen asked me to basketball with two of her friends. Even after my ex expressed his awe for basketball players in great respect, little I did appreciate the game beyond running with the ball and getting it through the hoop. Standing on the court, it was then I learnt there was the spin, there was the duck, barely is it was about winning (or at least to me it wasn’t) but to show off your skills. Being generous and creative with your techniques and let them entertain your friends. It was about performance and meeting challenges, while at the same time being directed by intuition.

The subtle fact that came to obvious sense was that: To watch basketball, you need to have played basketball. Even though watching does not require you any of the skills that consist of a player, you need to have played to know what there is to watch – in order to appreciate.

There was the ‘defend’; there was the ‘escape’, the bounces that passes through the legs, the bounces that goes around the back. You need to be flexible with your moves, both mentally and physically. No surprise, that the game wasn’t designed for an analyst like me, who prefers to think and reflect then decide what to do next.

Would I have ever thought the many ideologies basketball reinforces? On the field, there is no such thing as think and act, but just act. There is no such thing as waiting for the ball to arrive at your hands, instead if you want the ball you act on it. And one more thing, you don’t pretend you don’t really want to the ball so no one blocks your path, you make it obvious that you want the ball. There is no drama, just raw energy demonstrating the essence of basketball.

It is a pity that most girls sit at home, waiting for the phone to ring. It is heart-breakingly sad that the stereotypical girl chats to her girlfriends analysing over one little word that was unintentionally said. Absolutely insane, that I am making such analysis over an afternoon that was meant to live-for-the-moment.