That Ex Pt1: He is so transcended

I saw an ex. It was Thursday night, when I was financially reluctant to go to Little Lamb for hot pot with my roommates but did anyway. Half way through, a familiar face catches my eye from across the room. There he was sitting amongst his friends (mostly guys), laughing at something. So I went over and said “hi”. Was that out of maturity?

When it comes to Cal, it barely ever comes down to maturity. At times it just feels like I never really liked him that way in the first place. He deserved so much better, yet I owned him the lie. He has given me so much. There was a time when every guy in the world just seemed like a piece of shit, fucked up in their heads with no moral consciousness. He broke that barrier. It was humane of him to go out of his own way. It was humane of him, because this you need to be a human to understand.

If we were given another chance, can I love him? Was the chemistry ever there? For me, he transcends beyond most guys in world. I am glad I got to know him, and vice versa I’m glad I played a part in his life.

But what is he not? Why won’t he do? As I think about it, it kind of came down to the fact that he is not masculine enough. Even when I was with him, I never felt I was protected. I never felt I could lean on him. Or that he could take responsibility for me. I never felt together. Did he? Was I ever a good enough actor to be perceived as his girl? I doubt it.

Yesterday he texted me saying that he is free most of this week to catch a movie or something. Lord, I’d loved to be friends with him forever, he is so transcended. But we can only communicate on polite terms, no more beyond. Can we last? We do not share a common ground, there is nothing holding us together apart from the past. The past is so consistent, is it enough to pull us into the future?