Humane expectations

Augustine said “Lord, make me pure, but not yet.” All I want to say is ‘Lord, please don’t judge me.’

I met up with Cal for lunch today as result of his suggestion to “catch up”.

You don’t need to be a writer to construct a sentence that marks its place in history. The only ingredient is the content.
Today is the day he told me about how he felt at the time; the relationship we had; what ultimately changed his mind. It couldn’t have worked I wasn’t good enough for him (no, he didn't say this); it will not work with the past behind us. Everything we did, everything he said is an experience I will always hold onto.

He showed me light. He has given me the permit to believe. It was the way I treated him that led me to believe that everyone else was no different. It was the belief 'I was just another human on the planet'. Yet, he took the step to tell me I was wrong. I was the girlfriend I never knew about.
At stages of heart break, I often ask ‘How does it work?’ How was it done? I guess I own myself the answer. Morality is the world to me. I thought it was the fluid running through me. Why wasn’t I up to my standards?
I will not do to others what I do not want done to me, this I promise here and now.

Is there always a reason?

He has a girlfriend.
I once needed him like air is to life. What part of him does it belong to me, now? Who am I to have a say? He had every right. We have gone our separate ways. Why haven’t I let go? How did he let go?

How does it work? Why didn’t it work?

If things were different, could it have worked? Or were we fated to part?

How do we leave a piece of memory out? How does a feeling, a sound, stay on for so long?

As I sat outside the library, all I wanted to do was numb it out. Indulge into it, like never before. Maybe I never truly wanted to let go. Let it be tamed and domesticated as Gramsci would put it.
Does it work?